I pop in now and then. When I can remember who I am. I remembered my password but forgot my username (for a while). How stupid is that.

Situation at the moment is pretty much the usual situation - I got stuff I want to say, don't want to say it anywhere "too obvious", don't know where to put it, looking at most recently created accounts (blog type things) and going awwwgawd, no, I can't, I don't know... argh. Not going to put it here either, I don't think. Just... stuff. People. Family. Crazy madness in my head that I can't control. The usual.

I want one or two more tattoos this year. Probably not going to happen since I can't even balance my grocery budget. So behind in housework especially laundry. I hate hate hate ironing. Shudder. I wish certain people would do their own ironing. (aside: I keep losing scrobbles and it's making me way more upset than it should. Blame OCD.) I keep dreaming of a certain ex, don't know why. He's been dead a few years now, no idea why I've been dreaming of him almost every second night for a couple of weeks. It's not an anniversary time or anything. I've been dreaming of other exes as well but that's normal. One of them wanted to kill me (in the dream). Another one had lost so much weight he weighed less than me (it made sense in the dream).

I come back here to diaryland, log in, see all the familiar names in the "recent public entries" box. I may have followed/read/buddied some of them at some time (this account or more likely others I've had, also all long neglected). I know it's very unwise to go read anything now because like I did on fb the other day, after not having been on in a while, I saw one post that made me want to comment, and I had to remind myself very sternly that if I commented even just once, people would think I was "back", and I would have to go through the whole explaining thing again ("no, I'm not back; no, I don't know when I will be back; I still feel overloaded by everything...") But the main point is I see diaryland as a safe haven, except it isn't really, for me, because I don't want to make any social connections. I just don't have the energy. I know I will be a lousy friend/reader. I shouldn't get anyone's hopes up.

I want to tell the truth. I want to have just one freakin account somewhere where I can pick up anytime, where I don't have to read back through posts to remember what pseudonyms I've assigned to people (using the same ones across multiple sites isn't safe either). I would like to be more relaxed, not so paranoid All The Damn Time. Am I the only lunatic of this ilk? I can't be, but on the other hand, I don't want anyone else to suffer this madness.

I'll shut up now.